Looking back, it really isn’t fair that we haven’t been able to properly enjoy many of the delicious foods that our fictional peers and heroes loved. I’m pretty bothered by it, so I decided to make a (my first!) list. That’s what people do, right?
Bacon Burger Dog
I’m going way back — back to Nick at Nite in the summertime. Back to a time when you could say the words ‘Bill Cosby’ without hesitation. Regardless of Cosby’s current standing, he introduced the world to the BACON. BURGER. DOG. Or maybe it was BAAACON. BERRGUR. DAWG. There was a lot of enthusiasm there. And I want to try one of these artery-blocking grease factories crafted by the Cos himself. I just want him to have some supervision as he’s cooking.
Ron Stoppable was progressive in a lot of ways: Ron didn’t mind Kim bringing home the fictional bacon by beating up the bad guys, brought the naked mole rat into the mainstream and was a culinary artist. While I feel like Taco Bell has attempted to recreate Ron’s naco, I want to have an authentic dish from Bueno Nacho (which, looking back, was definitely a culturally ignorant institution and not owned by anyone remotely Hispanic) I’ll pass on the chimirito and the quesachanga – give me a naco with extra diablo sauce, please. That’s the sitch.
Full disclosure: there may have been some terribly destructive ingredients in all of the food at Good Burger if it’s all that Ed (Kel) ate. So, maybe this one should be reconsidered. But if I was feeling reckless (read: very drunk), I would like to eat a good burger. Maybe one day I’ll slur my words just right and my Uber drive will take me to “Peter’s El Loco” 437 Glendora Ave., West Covina, CA — the building featuring Good Burger in the morning (thanks, Wikipedia). Or if I’m really lucky, maybe Nickelodeon will bring All That back. (I’m available to audition, FYI)
I know that people actually eat these. But can we please talk about how Steve Stevens (the dad — wait, his name was Steve Stevens?) once cooked up some emu eggs after Louis ordered a wild emu to get rich quick? And then they looked for the golden sausage a la Indiana Jones in the same episode? Steve Stevens, please cook me breakfast. (No supervision required.)
‘It’s in the’ Beans
Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide has been tragically forgotten by everyone. Yes – everyone. The nearly realistic, heart-filled sitcom featured a hefty list awesome supporting characters: Dusty Chopsaw, Mr. Combover, The Killer Bees. To me, no one stood out more than Rose the Lunch Lady. First, she was played by Loni Love. How effing cool is that? Second, she saw the future through her cryptic bean readings. Staying regular AND seeing the future: it’s in the beans.
(I think I just made beans sexy.)
Liver And Onions
Oh, Doug. The ultimate nice guy. He would do anything for the face that launched a thousand ships (and memes) — Patti Mayonnaise. But when she invites him to dinner and says that she will be serving liver and onions? It’s almost a deal-breaker. Almost. In a classic tale of ‘don’t knock it ’til you try it’, Doug learns that he actually loves liver and onions and that he had no real reason not to — kind of like my generation and brussels sprouts. Oh, and plot twist:Patti was totally kidding about serving liver and onions LOL.
The gummies don’t count. I want a real Krabby Patty. I don’t care if it’s made from plankton or if it goes straight to my hips. That is all.
Bonus: Ponder This
I need to know who exactly decided on ‘blue raspberry’ becoming the standard flavor of blue (the best color in the world). There’s definitely a conspiracy here.
What fictional foods did I miss? Hold me accountable – let me know.